Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Phantom Poop

Yes, I am writing a blog post about poop.  So if this offends you, stop reading now, because I'm going to say poop at least twenty more times in this post.

So far I'm averaging one poop per sentence. 

Ok enough with the introductions.  I actually do have a story to tell, and it's about The Phantom Poop.  (If you can't tell, that was supposed to look spooky).  As I was saying, sometime during high school I was haunted by a huge turd.  Don't laugh, it was traumatizing.  Whenever I would use a bathroom at someone's house I was confronted by a huge, scary turd.  It didn't even happen in public restrooms; It always happened in the comfort of someone's home where I was least expectant and most vulnerable.

I had my first encounter with the Phantom Poop when I used my friend's bathroom at a sleepover.  I was pretty surprised to find him just floating there.  How can you just forget to flush after taking a number two?
My artistic rendition of Phantom Poop.  I thought I'd spare you from the real thing.

So one person forgot to flush, no big deal.  EXCEPT IT KEPT HAPPENING TO ME.  Another time I was babysitting and met Phantom Poop for a second time.  Please let me stress how freaky this was.  Try to imagine my scenario:  I was babysitting for an adorable family, with an adorable house.  The adorable parents go on their adorable date, and leave their adorable four year old daughter with me.  At one point in the night I walked into their adorable bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and there it was.  A huge turd.  I assumed this was not the workings of their four year old, which meant one of the parents was the culprit. Every once in awhile you'll walk into a stall in a public restroom and some retard didn't flush the toilet.  This is something I will never understand.  Do you want someone to see your excrement?  Are you so proud of it that you don't want to waste a good poop by flushing it away?  And that, my friends, is a tangent.  Anyway, when you encounter a stranger's waste, it's gross, but doesn't mean anything.  On the other hand, when you find a turd in a family friends' toilet, it freaks you out.  You can't help but guess whose poop it is, but at the same time you're trying to permanently burn the image from your memory.  Basically, it throws off the balance of everything.  People aren't meant to see other people's poop. 

Sadly, it doesn't end there.  A couple weeks later I was watching someone's cat while they were on vacation.  They kept the cat's food in the parents' bathroom, so while I was in there I had this crazy thought:  I wonder if there is a turd in their toilet.  Yes, I realize how weird that is, but it had been happening to me so often, I just felt this weird connection to poop.  Almost like stool ESP.  So I peeked under their lid, and sure enough, there was the phantom turd. Now this, this was crazy.  Not only was I finding unflushed stool in the bathrooms of adults, I was also aware of its existence before I even lifted the seat.

Eventually I expected to find unflushed poop when I used someone's bathroom.  That is not a happy expectation.  Luckily, the Phantom Poop slowly disappeared from my life, but the whole thing still baffles me.  I'll admit, I have left my waste unflushed in someone else's toilet, but it was only once.  I was five and still deathly afraid of flushing strangers' toilets.  That's normal right?  Either way, once I grew up I always flushed the toilet, ESPECIALLY after a bowel movement.  Basically there is no excuse for unflushed poop. Unless a Tyrannosaurus Rex comes through the bathroom door and you have to run away without having time to flush.  But come on, that's totally unrealistic.  Everyone knows a T Rex can't open a door; his arms are too short.

Poop/Poop synonym count: 28

Yeah, my mom is going to kill me once she reads this.

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