Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Bra Shopping

I think it's safe to assume that most of you know me.  Or know enough about me.  Enough to know that I'm pretty flat.  We really don't need to get into the details of that, (because there's not much to work with) but I honestly don't mind having a flat rack.  When I was in middle school I hung out with a group of girls that mostly consisted of super athletic, super thin, and super flat 13-year-olds.

A few of the girls blossomed earlier, but the other half of us were definitely late bloomers and boobs weren't a part of our personal lives.  I wasn't necessarily a late bloomer, but considering the fact that I'm not exactly blessed now, I definitely wasn't blessed then.  The thing is, I actually wanted to be flatter so I could look more like my skinnier and flatter friends.

I'm being completely serious.

But.  As much I thrive in the life of a small breasted woman, I still have to buy bras.  And I'm not just talking about sports bras (which I love and own a pretty impressive collection if I do say so myself).  No, I'm talking about women's bras.  Bras with cup sizes and other numbers that confuse me.  I have gone "real" bra shopping a total of three times in my life.  Yes, three.  I'm not lying when I tell you I hate bra shopping.  I might be ok with my cup size, but I would rather go furniture shopping (which I can comfortably say that I hate) over bra shopping.  It's just not fun for flat people.  I'm sure it's not that fun for super busty women either, but they have nothing to do with me, so I don't care about their problems.  

It sucks trying to just find the section that carries bras for less "endowed" women because it's so small...haha (^_^;).  Usually it's near the Junior's section which you can find by following the trail of pink and signs that say things like, "my first bra," or "just for fun."  It sucks to tell the lady working in the intimates section your sizing and see her searching through the racks trying to find something that works.  It sucks to try on a bra and not be able to fill it.  It sucks when all the bras in your size are push-up bras because the manufacturers just assume you want your boobs to look like Bs and not As.  It sucks when you fill it because that only reaffirms your cup size. It sucks when you actually buy a bra because they're EXPENSIVE AND I DON'T EVEN WANT IT.  It sucks when five years later you realize you need to go bra shopping again.

So I am 23 years old and just went bra shopping for the third time in my life last week.  It actually wasn't totally traumatizing because I'm less flat than I was at age 15 (look Mom, I grew!) so Kohl's sold things my size, and because my mom found these bras that are like a hybrid of a WOMAN'S bra and a sports bra.  I'm still pretty excited about the fact that I'm wearing a real bra but really it's a sports bra in disguise.  Since this last process went quite smoothly I was able to get it done with fairly quickly and mosied around the brassier section while my mom finished up.  These are the kind of things you will read if you embark on an adventure like mine.

  • "Lift and shape"
  • "Body caress"
  • "Eliminates back fat"
  • "Memory foam cups contour to you!"
  • "Puts the "girls" back where they belong"
  • "Our biggest push up bra yet!"
  • "No more underarm bulge"
  • "Ego Boost" (this was obviously for a push-up bra)
Is it just me, or are the descriptions on the bra packaging surprisingly visual despite the use of euphemisms?

Also.  This jem.

But the muffin top is the best part!

One day I'll be a woman.  And I'm pretty sure that "woman" will still hate bra shopping.

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