Thursday, February 21, 2013

How to Write a Sacrament Meeting Talk

To those of you who aren't Mormon, this post isn't going to make any sense.  And I can guarantee it won't be funny.  So you can either skip this post, or convert to our religion.  It's up to you.

Sacrament Meeting talks.  So many emotions sweep over me just thinking about them.  Unlike many other churches, our bishop doesn't give a sermon every week.  Instead we trust those of the congregation (starting at a mere 12 years of age) to prepare and give their talks.  This can be a daunting task, so I have made a template for you to use as you write your talk.  It's based off of hundreds of talks I've heard in my lifetime, so it's sure to bring success.

Talk of Spiritual Awesomeness
Good morning/afternoon brothers and sisters.  A couple weeks ago Bro. _______ came up to me and put his arm around my shoulder.  I knew it wasn't a good sign and tried to find an escape route, but I was trapped, and sure enough he asked me to speak in Sacrament Meeting.  (Chuckle to yourself, and look up for recognition in the congregation.)

But all jokes aside, I'm very grateful that I had the opportunity to prepare for this talk.  It's something that I struggle with, and I'm sure that this talk is more for me than any of you.  I'm not a great public speaker, so bare with me.  I hope that the Spirit will help me along.

I was asked to speak on_____.   There is so much to say about ______, but let's first look it up in the Bible Dictionary.  I also looked up _____ in the Topical Guide and found these scriptures on _____.  (Read those scriptures.  Slowly.  Stressing the word that you looked up.)

By this point you can do a number of things.  Pick any of the bulleted points to speak on depending on the desired length of time you need to fill.
  • Summarize a talk given by a general authority that has to do with your topic.
  •  Read several quotes by prophets, apostles, or C.S. Lewis.
  • Give an analogy that applies to your topic.  Preferably about climbing up a mountain -- this one is used all the time because it's obviously the best.
  • Read an entire verse of a hymn in monotone. 
  • Read a story from the Ensign.
Finish up your talk with a bang.  That is, a testimony of course.  And bam, you're done!

And there you have it.  The foolproof template for writing an amazing talk.  Don't worry about cliches, they don't exist in spiritual settings.


  1. "Chuckle to yourself, and look up for recognition in the congregation."

    That killed me.

  2. I am embarrassed to say it but I used this (a German version of course) for my sacrament meeting talk. Yes, my theme was mountains to climb and getting to higher ground (Nope, I haven't read President Eyring's book yet).
    Your blog is hilarious, even for total strangers like me.