AMURCA

Now that it's been a full week since the Fourth of July I thought I should get off my lazy butt and be proactive.  Except I write sitting down, and I'm not sure if blogging is proactive.

Ha jokes are funny. 

Ok, so I consider myself a pretty legit BYU student now.  I've been here for a couple of years and I'm used to the whole mormon student environment, but this is the first summer I stayed in Utah.  Which means I got to experience Independence Day in good ole' Provo.

I started off the holiday with the Provo Fourth of July parade which is supposed to be a big deal or something.  People were starting to claim their spots by the road at noon the day before.  Let me repeat, THE DAY BEFORE.  People love an excuse to camp out on the streets.  You can joke all you want, but Mormons have to be pretty crazy to voluntarily sleep on cement--while sober.

So yeah, we didn't camp out, but we left around 7:30am.

Look how happy we are.

The parade was pretty cool...I guess.  There were a lot of high school bands which is cool...I guess.  Oh gosh, but the girls who twirl those flags had gosh-awful uniforms.  Normally their uniforms are hideous like this:

If band kids wonder why we make fun of them, this is just one reason. 

Yeah, so those are bad, but for some reason Utahns think that in order to be modestly dressed, they have to be ugly.  Or in this case, uglier.  All these poor girls were decked out in like leggings and long dresses while they twirled their flags.  I should have taken more pictures, but I didn't want to break my camera.

Just another way to make high school a horrible experience.

Ok I'm done bashing the band kids.  Now I'm going to bash the pageant girls.  I never realized how many freaking beauty pageants Utah had until I went to the parade and saw all the girls for every. single. city.  And don't get me wrong, I respect a lot of those girls.  If I were to compete in a pageant I'd have to suddenly become really talented at something, lose fifteen pounds, and grow five inches solely in my legs.  But once the sixth float of pageant girls with their blonde hair and white smiles went by, I got a little disgusted.  Also, if I see another Beautifully Modest dress with cap sleeves I'm going to hurt someone.  But not really, because I'd have to hurt a lot of people.  The thing is, you can wear a modest dress without the whole cap sleeves thing.  Modesty doesn't mean looking like a clone of every other Mormon girl in Utah.

No! I will not allow this post to become a rant.  Moving on to this awesome motorcycle gang.

I'm just curious with where they bought those pants.  Actually, the wife probably sewed them.

So this motorcycle group is pretty adorable.  They all have to have temple recommends because their destinations are the temples across the country.  MORMONS.

The most popular people in the parade were the Provo missionaries.  But seriously--they got the loudest cheers by far.

No sarcastic comment here.  Mucho respect for missionaries.

Then the parade was over and we went home.  That night I got to see more missionaries, because I never get holidays off at the MTC.  I also had to work night custodial, so I ended up watching the fireworks from the church parking lot outside of the MTC.  On the plus side, I got two free Magnum bars for working.  Which were also the only special food I got on the Fourth of July.  COLLEGE.

Oh, and I rediscovered some really attractive pictures I took on photobooth while I was bored.  Enjoy.

Try not to be jealous.

My Dad is also pretty awesome

Just like Mother's Day, I am not home in Ohio to celebrate Father's Day.  So I'm dedicating this blog post to my dad.

Those are chopsticks.  Sometimes we use them for eating too.

 Once again, I'm not bashing on any of your dads.  They're all great men, but this post is about my dad, and how I think he's better. 

My dad is really cool.  I have never been embarrassed by him (or my mom) and I'm always proud to bring my friends home to meet them.  I've been told numerous times by my friends that my dad was "so cool," and I agree.  He's funny and I'm pretty sure he was voted class clown in high school.  I'm not 100% if that's correct, but it's the thought that counts, right?

 In a lot of ways I am like my dad.  I'm glad because luckily he isn't a boring person, which hopefully means I'm not too boring either. 

Because of my dad I rollerblade.  You can laugh all you want, but I'm pretty darn good.

This one is for you, Tiffany.

Because of my dad I love to ski.  He has sick form and you can pick out his carve from everyone else on the mountain.  It wasn't very hard to convince him to take me skiing on schooldays if we got a lot of snow.  It was awesome.

Because of my dad my whole family is obsessed with sunflower seeds.  It's not something we eat just on summer days, we eat sunflower seeds after dinner, during movies, car trips, and basically any other time of the day.

We give really good Christmas presents.

My dad has many responsibilities in work and church, but he handles stress extremely well.  He never complains, and he just does what he needs to.  Before he became his own boss, my dad worked for some less than excellent people.  He worked late hours, and I remember how excited I was when he would come home at night.  We would attack him and then demand his attention, because we knew he would give it.

I used to be a really big tomboy and my dad used to say that I was his replacement for a son.  That was basically the best thing he could ever say, and I freaking loved it.  I'd play catch with him and whenever he complimented my throwing arm I felt pretty darn good. 

Grocery shopping with him is the best.  We get what we need, but we also get sugar cereal and ice cream, etc.  My dad might be a financial planner, but my mom is the one who controls the money spending a lot of the time.  If we get some new toy it's because of my dad.  That's why we have a Playstation and Wii.  Remember this post about Just Dance? 

Once again, I have to go to work, so I can't continue on.  My dad is one cool guy and I love him THIS MUCH!!

Just another awesome picture for the road.

YAHOO!

Right now I don't have a ton of responsibilities.  I have one class and I'm only scheduled for a 12 hour work week, so I want to be productive.  Netflix will always call my name, but I want to actually DO something.  It's kind of weird when your day isn't filled with a bunch of crazy.  I sort of get bored and then depressed.  Not forrizzles depressed, but I get mildly disgusted with myself. 

This is a Netflix zombie.  The ironic part is I watched Sherlock on Netflix while I drew this.

So today I played my cello.  I did my homework.  I wrote in my journal.  I didn't exercise...though I do have to ride my bike to work, so I'll make that count.  And now I'm going to blog.  Because that's what good mormon girls do. 

That was a joke.  Kind of.

I really have nothing to talk about though.  There's no title to this blog post yet, so I could write about whatever I liked.  Well, I already do that, but you know what I mean.   Maybe I should write in stream of consciousness.  No, that stuff's cray cray.  Plus, I really don't want to document my thought process.  I'd sound like an idiot.  An idiot that pretty much only thinks about what she will eat next. 

Every once in awhile I get hit with a bout of GENIUS.  And this is not one of those times, but I did figure out what I'm going to do in this blog post.  I'm going to go on the yahoo home page and briefly discuss the trending searches.  I won't be offended if you stop reading now. 

These are the top 5 trending.  I'm too lazy to do the top 10.
1.  Taco Bell menu items:  Taco Bell is good if you are broke.  It's also good if you like to kill your intestinal tract. 
2.  Vampire skeletons:  I know vampires are all the rage right now, but their skeletons?  Who feels the need to just search vampire skeletons?  People are weird.
3.  Bored Facebook users:  Yeah this makes sense.  Facebook is boring.  And totally addictive.  Which is why it's of the devil. 
4.  Kelsey Grammer: I'll admit, I had no idea who this chick was.  So I Googled her (like I'd actually use Yahoo's search engine).  Turns out Kelsey's a man.  What were his parents thinking?  Also, why are people searching the guy from Frasier now? 
5.  Weight-loss tips: Here's my advice: Stop searching the Taco Bell menu.  It's all bad.

Well that was kind of fun and somewhat productive.  Now I can watch the rest of Sherlock with a little less guilt. 

The Art of Texting

Before I ever had a cell phone, the concept of texting never made sense to me.  Why text when you could just call?  I still ask this question, but since then I've learned how useful texting can be.  Sometimes you're in situations where you can't talk, so texting is really the only option.  School, work, church (what?) are perfect examples of where texting is the better choice.

At one point my phone was considered high tech.  Like five years ago.

Texting is a major part of our lives whether we like it or not, and that's why people need to know how to do it right.  As ridiculous as it sounds, there is an art to texting.  There are hundreds of unwritten rules concerning texting, and I am going to attempt to write some of the down for humanity.  What can I say, I'm a saint.

 The Unwritten Rules of Texting...until now:

1. If you text someone and they don't respond, don't text them again.  Unless it's your mom, then none of these rules really matter.
2.  If someone calls you, don't text them back.  Use the same form of communication that they initiated the conversation.  Unless you're at work.  Or school.  Or church.
3.  Don't respond with "k."  It's annoying.
4.  Take the same amount of time to answer texts as the other person.  If they take 20 minutes to respond, don't text back right away.  It makes you seem desperate.
4.5  Having said that, don't be that person who takes forever to respond.  There are no excuses when it comes to technology. 
5.  Don't initiate a conversation with "what's up?"
6.  Don't ask someone on a date via text message.  Grow up and just call her.
7.  Don't break up with someone via text message.  Unless you initially asked her out by texting; she already knows you're a wuss.
8.  Avoid texting your parents if you want a response within the day.
9.  Texting is not instant messaging.  If you keep on texting me, I'll never be able to respond. 
10.  If you do start a conversation, you better respond to my answer.
11.  If you're texting someone and the conversation is going nowhere, let it die off.  You don't always have to officially say goodbye.
12.  If your text is so large that it has to send in over three messages, it's too long. 

The list could go on and on, but that's all I can think of right now.  But I'm not done.  No, there is still so much to talk about when it comes to texting.  This is fun.

Adults and texting
There are two extremes when it comes to the types of texting adults.  The first type is the equal to a thirteen year old girl.  they txt lyk this & shortn evry wrd possible & find ways 2 replace words with numbers.  Ok, that's exhausting.  It really doesn't cut down texting time, and it's simply obnoxious.  Most people don't use T9 anymore, so it's better to actually spell out the word and use punctuation.  If they don't text like a preteen on AIM, then they are extremely careful texters.  They use correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  Always.  It's basically like talking to a robot because they have no emotion.

Drunk texting
Ha, like I know anything about being drunk.  According to the movies, you probably texted inappropriate things to your ex, and looked really stupid doing it.  That's all I got.


Emoticons and exclamation points!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a huge fan of texting and this is mainly why.  I speak pretty bluntly in person, but if I were to text the same dialogue people would think I'm a freaking brat and meany face.  So in order to soften my texts I'm basically forced to use some sort of emoticon or exclamation point.  I hate smiley faces because they are dumb and don't even look like faces because I don't smile with my head tilted to the side like this :)  Nope, I smile like a normal human being.  Also, when guys use smileys I automatically think of them as very feminine.  Sorry, it just happens.  And don't even get me started on exclamation points.  An English Professor Who Must Not Be Named once taught that "Exclamation points are ugly, graphic, and addictive (just like porn)."  Ever since then, I've avoided exclamation points like the plague...or pornography.  This statement is totally true, but exclamation points are mostly just obnoxious.  If you're ending the majority of your sentences with exclamation points instead of periods, you're doing it wrong.  Plus, all I can imagine is the person excitedly telling me about non-exhilarating things!

Mass texts
They suck.  Don't send them to me.

Texting to avoid awkward situations
I really don't understand why people think that texting will fix awkward situations.  It doesn't.  Though sometimes when I realize that I'm walking in the wrong direction I'll look at my phone and then turn around.  Somehow I feel like that justifies my stupidity.  I also think it's really annoying when I'm hanging out with a group of friends someplace like a restaurant and everyone is on their phones.  First of all, no phones at the dinner table!  And second of all, you're already with friends, so stop texting other people!  Yes, I realize that I just used two exclamation points, but they were necessary to sound like an angry mother. 

Sarcasm
Another reason why I dislike texting is because I tend to be sarcastic, and sarcasm is all about voice inflection.  And if you didn't know, texting is not audible.  So basically I sound either really stupid or really mean. And then I have to use smileys.  CURSES.

Over-analyzing texts
Notice how the word "anal" is part of analyzing.  Freaking out about text messages usually only occurs in the dating sphere of your life.  I'm not going to read and reread texts from my mom if I think she sounded annoyed or mad.  She's stuck with me for life, so why worry?  No, text paranoia applies almost exclusively to people you like or may potentially date.  Texts can be so obscure you'll go crazy trying to process all the different ways you read it.  As much as I hate smiley faces and exclamation points, they are crucial to how I read a message.  And if he doesn't use them I start to panic.  He sounds so distant and cold.  He hates me.  Yep, he thinks I'm a crazy freakazoid.  That's it, I'm not texting him again.  And that's my thought process.  Waiting for texts is the worst, but it's something that must be done.  I'd rather go insane waiting for a text than be that annoying girl.  What really sucks about waiting for an important text is when your phone goes off and it's not from that significant other.  It doesn't matter if it's from your sister, friend, or cat--you want to throw your phone in their face.  I'm sure that's a normal reaction. 




I just think it's weird that I use my phone for texting more than actually talking.  It's like reverse technology.  But I mostly just dislike texting because I'm too lazy.  #firstworldproblems

My mom is better than yours

This is the first Mother's Day that I'm not home to celebrate with my mom.  So I decided that a blog post dedicated to her would be a suitable Mother's Day gift.  That's thoughtful, right?

I'm pretty sure most people consider their mom as one of their biggest role models.  Our moms carried our slimy and pruny bodies in their stomachs for nine months and then raised us to adulthood.  That alone deserves a lot of credit.  And though my mom is my biggest role model, it's not just because she raised and nurtured me, it's because she's one of the best people I know. 

Don't worry, these are not her shoes.

Do you remember that time in your life when you started to see adults not merely as grown ups, but as people?  And once you realized that they were just older versions of yourself, you saw all of their faults and flaws?  I remember going through this experience, and it really affected me.  I found myself disappointed in many adults that I had once thought admirable.  I understood that adults couldn't be perfect, but even so, I felt like they could be more mature.  Looking back, I'm pretty sure I had such high expectations of adults was because of my mom.  Up until that point, I had assumed that adults didn't gossip because I had never heard my mom speak ill of anyone.  I started to compare my mom to other adults and it soon became evident that she is an exceptional person.

My mom helped me and Lily look a little more like legit pioneers.  My dad wasn't very convincing.

I'm not writing this to brag about my mom, even though that's basically all I've done so far.  I'm not comparing my mom to yours either, because I'm sure your moms are amazing.  But I'm pretty sure my mom is better than yours. 

I also don't have squinty asian eyes thanks to my mom.

My mom is extremely level-headed and practical.  Everything she does is just smart.  She doesn't get caught up on things like other women might, and for that I'm grateful.  Because sometimes women are annoying.  And when I say sometimes, I mean a lot of the time.

Since I've left home and gone to college I've started to notice things that I picked up from my mom.  When I go shopping I check the tags to see if the clothing is made of polyester or some other synthetic material, I buy the next size up if it fits in the store and it's 100% cotton; I still buy Grape Nuts and shredded wheat for cereal, and I have to eat at least one vegetable with dinner (or a poor substitute for dinner). 

Oh, and my mom is probably prettier than yours.  But remember, I'm not bragging or anything.

My mom is a spiritual beast and a convert to the church.  I read her journal when she was a teenager and newly baptized.  Basically, she was very spiritually mature for her age.  But she's always been mature.  I think I talked about this already...

I spent a lot of time with my mom through childhood because I was home schooled.  She was my teacher till fourth grade, and taught me how to read, write, add, subtract, and tried to teach me about fractions.  Key word: tried.  She was a good teacher, but I wasn't a very driven student.  My mom read to us for hours and because of that my sisters and I love reading.  But seriously.  Jenai used to wake up at 5am to read before she started her school work.  She also dressed up as a book worm for Halloween once.  We were interesting kids.

We wuv her.

I could go on, but I'm not going to.  I have to post this before I leave for work in a few minutes.  Speaking of procrastination, that is one practice I did not learn from my mom.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I LOVE YOU!

scary movies

I like to think that I'm a brave and strong person.  I don't freak out and squeal when I see a spider, I don't pee myself when I'm on a roller coaster (though I occasionally black out), and I'm not afraid of heights.  I'm pretty cool and composed for most situations, but that all goes down the toilet when I watch a scary movie.  I hate scary movies.  I hate them.  They are the worst.  Every time I watch a scary movie I promise myself that that will be the absolute LAST horror movie I will ever watch.  But then peer pressure by my so called "friends" happens and I find myself watching yet another scary movie against my will.

Once I realize that I will be watching a scary movie I have to mentally prepare myself.  This includes repeating encouraging phrases out loud like "I'm going to die,"  "I hate you all," "Why am I doing this," and "I'm never going to sleep."  Then I grab a pillow and hold it as a shield to protect me from all the scary parts during the movie.  

This is my face during the opening credits.

This is my face when I know I won't be sleeping for the next week.

And this is my face for the majority of the film.

The first scary movie I ever saw was The Ring.  Not only are asians good at math, they are also are good at making scary movies.  My own people betrayed me.  After I watched it I was certain that I was going to die from absolute terror or lack of sleep.  I also promised myself I would NEVER watch it again, but I got pressured into watching it again a few days ago.  This time I watched my pillow more than the screen.  I had worked 5+ years trying to forget that movie, so I wasn't going to let all that hard work go to waste. 

(My depiction of Samara/The Ring.  I was too afraid to actually look it up on Google images).

What makes The Ring so much scarier to me is the fact that we had a freaky old tv in our basement that would randomly turn on and do that fuzzy screen thing like in the movie.  I would walk downstairs with the lights turned off and find the tv doing that.  No one had turned the tv on.  IT TURNED ITSELF ON!! Samara was going to kill me.  This happened a few more times and then I solved the problem by unplugging the tv and covering the screen with a blanket.  Genius, I know.  Then later on, when I was less freaked out, I tried to solve the mystery of our haunted tv and discovered that the self timer was set to turn the tv on by itself.  It took me awhile to find that amusing.

The moral of the story is, I'm a baby. 

The Phantom Poop

Yes, I am writing a blog post about poop.  So if this offends you, stop reading now, because I'm going to say poop at least twenty more times in this post.

So far I'm averaging one poop per sentence. 

Ok enough with the introductions.  I actually do have a story to tell, and it's about The Phantom Poop.  (If you can't tell, that was supposed to look spooky).  As I was saying, sometime during high school I was haunted by a huge turd.  Don't laugh, it was traumatizing.  Whenever I would use a bathroom at someone's house I was confronted by a huge, scary turd.  It didn't even happen in public restrooms; It always happened in the comfort of someone's home where I was least expectant and most vulnerable.

I had my first encounter with the Phantom Poop when I used my friend's bathroom at a sleepover.  I was pretty surprised to find him just floating there.  How can you just forget to flush after taking a number two?

My artistic rendition of Phantom Poop.  I thought I'd spare you from the real thing.

So one person forgot to flush, no big deal.  EXCEPT IT KEPT HAPPENING TO ME.  Another time I was babysitting and met Phantom Poop for a second time.  Please let me stress how freaky this was.  Try to imagine my scenario:  I was babysitting for an adorable family, with an adorable house.  The adorable parents go on their adorable date, and leave their adorable four year old daughter with me.  At one point in the night I walked into their adorable bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and there it was.  A huge turd.  I assumed this was not the workings of their four year old, which meant one of the parents was the culprit. Every once in awhile you'll walk into a stall in a public restroom and some retard didn't flush the toilet.  This is something I will never understand.  Do you want someone to see your excrement?  Are you so proud of it that you don't want to waste a good poop by flushing it away?  And that, my friends, is a tangent.  Anyway, when you encounter a stranger's waste, it's gross, but doesn't mean anything.  On the other hand, when you find a turd in a family friends' toilet, it freaks you out.  You can't help but guess whose poop it is, but at the same time you're trying to permanently burn the image from your memory.  Basically, it throws off the balance of everything.  People aren't meant to see other people's poop. 

Sadly, it doesn't end there.  A couple weeks later I was watching someone's cat while they were on vacation.  They kept the cat's food in the parents' bathroom, so while I was in there I had this crazy thought:  I wonder if there is a turd in their toilet.  Yes, I realize how weird that is, but it had been happening to me so often, I just felt this weird connection to poop.  Almost like stool ESP.  So I peeked under their lid, and sure enough, there was the phantom turd. Now this, this was crazy.  Not only was I finding unflushed stool in the bathrooms of adults, I was also aware of its existence before I even lifted the seat.


Eventually I expected to find unflushed poop when I used someone's bathroom.  That is not a happy expectation.  Luckily, the Phantom Poop slowly disappeared from my life, but the whole thing still baffles me.  I'll admit, I have left my waste unflushed in someone else's toilet, but it was only once.  I was five and still deathly afraid of flushing strangers' toilets.  That's normal right?  Either way, once I grew up I always flushed the toilet, ESPECIALLY after a bowel movement.  Basically there is no excuse for unflushed poop. Unless a Tyrannosaurus Rex comes through the bathroom door and you have to run away without having time to flush.  But come on, that's totally unrealistic.  Everyone knows a T Rex can't open a door; his arms are too short.


Poop/Poop synonym count: 28

Yeah, my mom is going to kill me once she reads this.