I always claimed that I wouldn’t make a public coming out statement because I didn’t want the attention. I didn’t owe anyone an explanation of my sexuality, so why would I post something so personal on social media for everyone to see? Over the past 2.5 years I’ve been coming out to family and close friends and that was going well; I didn’t really see the point of potentially causing a ruckus that I didn’t want to deal with.
Although I still pretty much agree with “Halfway in the Closet Kristen,” I’ve realized that this worked for awhile, but not anymore. I’ve always been an open book; I saw no need to hide myself from others...until I realized I was gay. I came out to the people I was close to, but I let everyone else assume I was straight--which eventually became unhealthy and exhausting.
Before I really get into anything, I just want to clarify that I’m not writing this with any sort of agenda. I’m not here to promote any type of lifestyle, and I’m not attacking anyone’s faith. I just feel like I need to come out publicly for myself.
I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about these last 2.5 years of my life (partly because it would take too long and mostly because you probably don’t care), but a little explanation is probably needed. I always liked coming out to people in person when the time was right. (For those of you who I’ve already come out to, thank you so much for being loving and kind; I realize how blessed I am to have you all in my life.) I’ve never had a bad experience coming out to any of my family members or friends and I was never nervous because I knew once they heard my story, they’d understand--or at least try to understand. The thing is, I can’t have these one-on-one conversations with everyone, but I still want to invite dialogue. So, if you want to talk, hit me up. I’ve never been offended by a question because I’d much rather you hear it from me, than through a whispered conversation behind my back because the topic is supposedly taboo.
So. I am gay. What does this mean? I don’t know. What does this mean for me as a Mormon? I don’t know. Will I stay in the church? I don’t know. My life is a bunch of unanswered questions which plague me every day, but for now-that's ok. I'm just going to keep on truckin' and this is one way I'll do that.
For those of you who are LDS, this may be hard for you to read. Before all this, I was pretty much the model Mormon girl. I went to BYU, served a mission, did everything I was supposed to do. And that made me happy. I’m not a rebel, and I never thought I’d stray away from the Church. And truthfully, that makes me sad in a lot of ways. I’m not angry at the Church, but for now, I’m just going to do what feels healthy. I’ve dealt with depression ever since I got home from my mission (which was pretty much when I figured out I was gay), and I feel like a big part of that was because I wasn’t being fully truthful about myself to others.
My sexual orientation doesn’t define me, but it is a part of who I am. It has helped me to be more accepting, loving, and empathetic. Basically, I’m pretty sure God made me gay just so I would be forced to become more Christ-like. So if you have questions, please ask. If you or someone you know is going through something similar, you can talk to me. I probably won’t have any answers, but I can promise you a non-judgemental listening ear.
To finish this off, I’m going to share a poem I wrote a little while back. I have now officially graduated from BYU, so some of my feelings may have changed a bit, but this is a glimpse of what I was feeling at one point in my journey.
P.S. To all the boys I tried to date: I’m sorry and I can truthfully say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” ;)
New Religion
Today I did the dishes while I played some Mackelmore.
He’s gone through a lot of shit--compared to me, a whole lot more.
I was born to loving parents; wasn’t rich, but never poor.
Went to college, got a job, should be happy, but want more.
It’s weird, because I enjoy life. It’s weird because I could be free.
The problem is I’m in this closet wishing I could just be me.
In some ways I’m the lucky one; I never felt alone.
Lots of people hide their feelings or else kicked out of their home.
But that wasn’t how it was for me; friends and family were supportive.
Mom still hopes that I’ll date guys, but in the end her love’s not shorted.
Sometimes I wish I was straight so I could be the perfect daughter.
It’s a struggle in the Church, but I still love my Heavenly Father.
Can you believe I was the age of twenty two
when I came out to myself and realized that it was true:
I was gay and had been in some pretty deep denial.
In that moment I asked God, “What should I do with this trial?”
I had planned to stay. My faith was the priority.
But as time went on, it felt like a sorority.
This was once my home and the center of my life.
But that was not okay if I planned to wed a wife.
Currently, I find myself unhappily in a strange limbo.
I’m halfway in the closet; my close friends and family know.
But I’m still a student at the Y and don’t feel very safe.
Probably because I’m not living in the “straight and narrow” way.
But this feels more right than wrong--I really do like girls.
Back when I was dating guys I felt zero type of thrills.
I know life is more than just following your desires,
But when I was dating boys, I just felt like a fat liar.
So I guess what I’m saying is I’m sick of being “straight.”
Or at least the assumption: for a husband I will wait.
‘Cause a lie is a lie even if it’s by omission.
So to live a truthful life has become my new religion.
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| Partly because I needed a thumbnail pic. Mostly because we're cute. |
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