The Art of Texting

Before I ever had a cell phone, the concept of texting never made sense to me.  Why text when you could just call?  I still ask this question, but since then I've learned how useful texting can be.  Sometimes you're in situations where you can't talk, so texting is really the only option.  School, work, church (what?) are perfect examples of where texting is the better choice.

At one point my phone was considered high tech.  Like five years ago.

Texting is a major part of our lives whether we like it or not, and that's why people need to know how to do it right.  As ridiculous as it sounds, there is an art to texting.  There are hundreds of unwritten rules concerning texting, and I am going to attempt to write some of the down for humanity.  What can I say, I'm a saint.

 The Unwritten Rules of Texting...until now:

1. If you text someone and they don't respond, don't text them again.  Unless it's your mom, then none of these rules really matter.
2.  If someone calls you, don't text them back.  Use the same form of communication that they initiated the conversation.  Unless you're at work.  Or school.  Or church.
3.  Don't respond with "k."  It's annoying.
4.  Take the same amount of time to answer texts as the other person.  If they take 20 minutes to respond, don't text back right away.  It makes you seem desperate.
4.5  Having said that, don't be that person who takes forever to respond.  There are no excuses when it comes to technology. 
5.  Don't initiate a conversation with "what's up?"
6.  Don't ask someone on a date via text message.  Grow up and just call her.
7.  Don't break up with someone via text message.  Unless you initially asked her out by texting; she already knows you're a wuss.
8.  Avoid texting your parents if you want a response within the day.
9.  Texting is not instant messaging.  If you keep on texting me, I'll never be able to respond. 
10.  If you do start a conversation, you better respond to my answer.
11.  If you're texting someone and the conversation is going nowhere, let it die off.  You don't always have to officially say goodbye.
12.  If your text is so large that it has to send in over three messages, it's too long. 

The list could go on and on, but that's all I can think of right now.  But I'm not done.  No, there is still so much to talk about when it comes to texting.  This is fun.

Adults and texting
There are two extremes when it comes to the types of texting adults.  The first type is the equal to a thirteen year old girl.  they txt lyk this & shortn evry wrd possible & find ways 2 replace words with numbers.  Ok, that's exhausting.  It really doesn't cut down texting time, and it's simply obnoxious.  Most people don't use T9 anymore, so it's better to actually spell out the word and use punctuation.  If they don't text like a preteen on AIM, then they are extremely careful texters.  They use correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  Always.  It's basically like talking to a robot because they have no emotion.

Drunk texting
Ha, like I know anything about being drunk.  According to the movies, you probably texted inappropriate things to your ex, and looked really stupid doing it.  That's all I got.


Emoticons and exclamation points!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a huge fan of texting and this is mainly why.  I speak pretty bluntly in person, but if I were to text the same dialogue people would think I'm a freaking brat and meany face.  So in order to soften my texts I'm basically forced to use some sort of emoticon or exclamation point.  I hate smiley faces because they are dumb and don't even look like faces because I don't smile with my head tilted to the side like this :)  Nope, I smile like a normal human being.  Also, when guys use smileys I automatically think of them as very feminine.  Sorry, it just happens.  And don't even get me started on exclamation points.  An English Professor Who Must Not Be Named once taught that "Exclamation points are ugly, graphic, and addictive (just like porn)."  Ever since then, I've avoided exclamation points like the plague...or pornography.  This statement is totally true, but exclamation points are mostly just obnoxious.  If you're ending the majority of your sentences with exclamation points instead of periods, you're doing it wrong.  Plus, all I can imagine is the person excitedly telling me about non-exhilarating things!

Mass texts
They suck.  Don't send them to me.

Texting to avoid awkward situations
I really don't understand why people think that texting will fix awkward situations.  It doesn't.  Though sometimes when I realize that I'm walking in the wrong direction I'll look at my phone and then turn around.  Somehow I feel like that justifies my stupidity.  I also think it's really annoying when I'm hanging out with a group of friends someplace like a restaurant and everyone is on their phones.  First of all, no phones at the dinner table!  And second of all, you're already with friends, so stop texting other people!  Yes, I realize that I just used two exclamation points, but they were necessary to sound like an angry mother. 

Sarcasm
Another reason why I dislike texting is because I tend to be sarcastic, and sarcasm is all about voice inflection.  And if you didn't know, texting is not audible.  So basically I sound either really stupid or really mean. And then I have to use smileys.  CURSES.

Over-analyzing texts
Notice how the word "anal" is part of analyzing.  Freaking out about text messages usually only occurs in the dating sphere of your life.  I'm not going to read and reread texts from my mom if I think she sounded annoyed or mad.  She's stuck with me for life, so why worry?  No, text paranoia applies almost exclusively to people you like or may potentially date.  Texts can be so obscure you'll go crazy trying to process all the different ways you read it.  As much as I hate smiley faces and exclamation points, they are crucial to how I read a message.  And if he doesn't use them I start to panic.  He sounds so distant and cold.  He hates me.  Yep, he thinks I'm a crazy freakazoid.  That's it, I'm not texting him again.  And that's my thought process.  Waiting for texts is the worst, but it's something that must be done.  I'd rather go insane waiting for a text than be that annoying girl.  What really sucks about waiting for an important text is when your phone goes off and it's not from that significant other.  It doesn't matter if it's from your sister, friend, or cat--you want to throw your phone in their face.  I'm sure that's a normal reaction. 




I just think it's weird that I use my phone for texting more than actually talking.  It's like reverse technology.  But I mostly just dislike texting because I'm too lazy.  #firstworldproblems