So, as I was reading through this, I kept sharing parts of my journal to my girlfriend that I thought were particularly funny because it seemed so obvious that I've always been a stone cold lesbian (I think I just made that term up). How did I not figure this out sooner? Hindsight it 20/20, but it's almost like I grew up blind. I'll talk more about this later, but first, here are all the little pieces from my journals that had Little Lesbian Kristen screaming from the pages--misspellings and all.
July 8th, 2000 (age 8)
On the fourth of July I bot my bike...it is m favorit bike that iv had. it is a boys bike that is red. i got a boys bike becus all the girls biks were pink or purple yuk!
March 15th, 2001 (age 9)
A few days ago was my birthday. I got a pocket knife, a Lego racer, and lego soccer, and sume clothes.
August 8th, 2002 (age 10)
My other best friend in Brunswick is McKenna. I'm not sure if she is my best friend anymore because she talks about boys a lot.
This entry breaks my heart. After being home schooled, I started going to public school in 4th grade and decided it was too hard to stand out.
December 30th, 2002
Last year I was a big tomboy who liked sports. I'm not really a tomboy any more because when you are one everybody stares at you funny and sometimes askes you if you are a boy. the reason why i started being a tomboy was because I hated the color pink. Then all girl clothes were pink a lot of the times, so I decided to start wearing boy clothes, and I got more and more. so then pretty soon I didn't like girls clothes at all. but over the summer I started wearing sporty girls clothes and started wearing normal girls clothes pretty much. I still wear sporty clothes, but it's in the girls department.
July 28th, 2004 (age 12)
Later after dinner we went to church for Young Womens. We decorated cookies and played pictionary. The girls were very loud and annoying again and they got on my nerves.
My mom had told me she was excited to get her first period because it made her feel like a woman. I did NOT relate to this. Also, the last sentence kills me.
November 29, 2005 (age 14)
During the weekend my intestines felt all cramped up and thought I just had to take a #2, but I didn't so I just ignored it but on Sunday I got my period. And it SUCKS!!!! I was hoping it would come later but it didn't. I guess getting it in 8th grade is kinda late, but not really...this is a pain in the rear. Literally. Well I'm done complaining and we're gonna eat pizza pockets!!! YEAH!!
April 6th, 2006 (14)
"going steady" in middle school is extremely lame because first of all who dates without a car? and you shouldn't have a "relationship" with anyone until you're getting ready to get married (which I hope is nowhere near soon).
November 7th, 2007 (age 15)
(After gushing about this boy I was crushing on) ...I have noticed that i'm really picky with guys. There aren't any cute guys in Medina! I'm so excited to go to college!
April 17th, 2008 (age 16)
Now that I'm 16 I can finally date, so we also went to the movies and stuff. Just for future reference, my first date was a week after my birthday with Boy #1 at the movies. What's really weird is that I really like Boy #2 last year when he was dating someone, and I had a crush on Boy #1 on and off for awhile, but now that I can date, I don't like them as much as I used to. I really like hanging out with Boy #2 and talking to him, but I feel like I'm not attracted to him as much. It's actually really odd. Ever since I've turned 16, it's like I don't have hormones anymore. I don't understand why; it's like I'm a kid again...I just feel guilty because I feel like I'm leading Boy #2 on, when I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone.
September 7th, 2008
I don't really want to write about this, but I guess I'll want to remember this later on in life. So the curse of guys afraid to kiss me is gone. Haha, you guessed it, I finally got my first kiss! Too bad I'm embarrassed to say his name. Boy #1 was my first kiss, and I hope no one will find out because it would be extremely awkward. Jenai's the only person I've told, but I know Boy #1 has told a bunch of his friends, which I'm not too thrilled about. Haha but I have to say it was one of the worst first kisses every! When he kissed me I didn't know it was coming, so I was surprised, and then my mind went blank and I couldn't kiss him back. So then I started to laugh because I had just made a fool of myself. Yeah, it was bad. But luckily I had other opportunities to get better, and I did. I feel kinda bad for kissing him so much because I don't really like him that much, and we're not dating, but now I'm glad I have some experience now.
July 29th, 2009 (age 17)
I mentioned before that I had a boyfriend and his name is Boy #3. We didn't really hang out until this summer but he asked me if I'd like to go on a date with him and I really didn't want to because I didn't like him like that, so I told him I would but just as friends. Eventually we hung out a lot and I was starting to like him and it seemed like we should kiss, so I did and because of that I guess it was assumed that we were going out. I realized that I hate the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" haha I don't know why, but I told Boy #3 that I didn't want us to be serious....(one page later) I became more and more detached to him because I realized that I hate dating exclusively and I didn't like him as much as he liked me....(another page or two later) Eventually Boy #3 got quiet and I could tell that he was holding back tears. I told him he could say what was on his mind, and he said it would make me feel awkward. I had a feeling of what he was going to say, so I was praying like crazy to know what to say. Finally after a few minutes Boy #3 said that he was starting to love me. My guess was correct and I wasn't sure what to say back because I don't love him like that. I told him that I couldn't say the same back, but I was really grateful that I had dated him because I learned a lot form our relationship.
On to my journal I had in college before I went on a mission and figured all this shit out.
July 18th, 2012 (age 20)
Actually, my work friends are my real friends now. I hang out with them outside of work more than my other friends. Just yesterday, I saw Girl #1 at work, then she came to the pool with me, we saw a movie, and later we made a midnight run to Wendy's and McDonald's. We might as well be dating.
July 24th, 2012
I'm going to see The Dark Night with Boy #4. AKA my Asian crush from work. He finally got my digits today. Hopefully I don't ruin this like every other "relationship" I've had.
October 26th. 2012
So yeah, that night I asked Boy #4 if we could start dating exclusively because other people were both trying to date us and it was getting too complicated for me. Let me repeat, I made it official. That's a big deal considering I've ran away from any relationship that started to get even a little serious.
November 10th, 2012
Just to keep this exciting, maybe I should write about Boy #4 for the third entry in a row. We broke up. I love ruining suspense. It was more like a friendship where we often hung out exclusively, and occasionally made out. So basically, nothing has changed except for the kissing stuff. It was both our first real relationship, but it was hardly real. Like always, I wasn't willing to put in the time, and I couldn't see myself ever falling in love with him. It was weird, because I'm pretty close to him, and physically attracted to him, but there was nothing romantic about our relationship. I'm beginning to worry that I'm incapable of falling in love. I've never even come close. Maybe I'm really picky...
I then continue to write about my friend (a girl) whom I obviously was much more interested in writing about.
This past Thursday was the last time I got to see Girl #1 at the MTC. She leaves for her mission on Tuesday, and I'm super duper sad. I would like to withdraw my last statement saying I'm incapable of falling in love, because I'm definitely in love with Girl #1. Sisterly love, jeez, don't freak out. At first we'd mostly spend time together at the pool, but then I wanted to hang out with her all the time, so the pool times were just a small fraction of our "together time." We have so many differences, but our sense of humor and other stuff totally clicked. I was really only close friends with Girl #1 for two months before she left, but I consider her my best friend. I haven't told her this, because I'm sure she has a couple friends higher on her totem pole, but she knows I consider her one of my closest friends. Once I get a boyfriend who I want to see/talk to as much as Girl #1, then I'll know it's love. Instead, I write long letters to Girl #1 every week with really awesome drawings. I'm hopeless.
So there you go. Being a tomboy doesn't make you are a lesbian. Not having a good first kiss doesn't mean you're a lesbian. Not loving the boy you're dating doesn't make you a lesbian. But jeez, there was a lot going on that I wasn't writing about. Yeah, I'd talk about my boy crushes in a lot of my journal entries, but that's what they were: crushes. Nothing more. When I talked about my relationships with girls, it was pretty clear that they meant a lot more to me. I had never really wondered why; girls made good friends and boys were stupid. The whole LGBTQ scene seemed so sexualized to me, that I never thought that I was part of that community. Sure, every once in awhile I had a passing thought that I might be gay, but doesn't everyone? Looking back, I had some huge crushes on my girl friends, but I never thought I was gay, because I just wanted to be her best friend-- I didn't recognize any physical attraction.
It wasn't until I fell in love with a girl that those physical longings showed up. It was when I fell in love with a girl that I realized I wasn't heartless and was capable of being in love. It was when I fell in love with a girl that everything else started to make sense.
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| I liked my violin, I hated that dress. |
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