How to write jaw-dropping Facebook statuses.

Did you notice that I don't blog as often as I used to?  (Please, just say yes.) Even though my blogs are pretty light-hearted and maybe a bit ridiculous, they actually take quite some time to write.  I've sat down many a time with an idea in mind, tried to write, erased it, wrote some more, erased again, and then just gave up.  So that's why I don't write very often.  Did I mention I'm lazy?  As cheesy as it sounds (because it is) writing is my creative outlet, and when I'm not blogging it needs to come out in a different form. 

This different form that I am speaking of is the Facebook status.  In other words, Facebook statuses (stati?) replaced my blog.  But really, it's kind of brilliant.  Instead of writing a whole blog post, I can simply write two amazing sentences.  (Maybe not amazing, but I like to flatter myself.)  Did I mention I'm lazy?

In no way is this picture necessary.  But I still need one.

So if you want to be the envy of all your Facebook friends, then just follow these steps to making a fantabulous Facebook status.  Because these things matter.

How to write a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious status:  
(Is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious an adjective?  And if it is, is it a positive one?  Because that's what I had in mind.)

1. Use sarcasm.
2. Make them short.
3. Be sarcastic.
4. Make them surprising/shocking.
5. Obnoxious is ok.
6. More sarcasm. 

Maybe that wasn't very helpful.  My best advice is to apply the Golden Rule.  Don't write a status you wouldn't want to read.  Who freaking cares if you're going to the mall today?  NO ONE!  Who cares if you're stressed from school?  NO ONE!  Who cares if your husband is the best?  NO ONE!  Who cares if you're depressed?  NO ONE!  (Actually, we do care, but we also feel extremely uncomfortable with the fact that you shared it on a social networking site.)  If you want people to care about your life, you're gonna have to make it interesting.  Not your life, the status.   In other words, it's not what you write about, but how you write it.   

Man, I'm deep.

The thing is, sometimes I really want  to complain via Facebook.  Sometimes I want to slightly brag about an accomplishment.  Sometimes I want to make people think I'm doing something awesome with my life.  So this is how you do it.

Good and Bad Statuses About Random Life Examples You Want to Write About on Facebook That are Most Likely Boring:  

Life Example #1: Say I got the stomach flu and I've been puking my brains out all night.  For some reason I want all my fb friends to know, so I make a status about it.

• DON'T WRITE: "Ugh sick all night.  I feel horrible."  
• DO WRITE: 
• "Pretty sure I lost 10lbs from the stomach flu last night; my butt's gonna look awesome in my skinny jeans."  
• "The toilet and I became best of friends last night."
• "Don't need to exercise today, puked my guts out instead!"
• "The bad news is I got the stomach flu.  The good news is I watched a full season of Vampire Diaries on Netflix."

Life Example #2:  It's a major Holiday.  Obviously you want to remind everyone.

• NO: 
• "Happy Halloween!"
• "Merry Christmas!"
• "Happy Valentine's Day!"
• YES: 
• "Tonight I'm going to dress up like a fairy, knock on strangers' doors, and threaten them with tricks if they don't give me treats.  It makes sense."
• "I bet my presents are better than yours."  
• "For some reason I have the uncontrollable urge to gorge myself with chocolate.  I think it's about time I get a boyfriend."

 Life Example #3:  You got stellar grades this semester.  Everyone must know of your greatness.

• NOT OKAY:
• "Woop, straight A's this semester!"
• "Hard work really pays off, because I got a 4.0!"
• Translation:
• "Yay I'm smart!  But I'm still dying for attention!"
• "Yeah I studied hard, but mostly I'm better than you!"

• ACCEPTABLE: 
• Nothing.  Stop bragging you meany-face.  Mediocre students (like me) hate it.

Life Example #4:  You're getting a haircut soon.

• BORING:
• "Getting a hair cut today!"
• "Any suggestions for a new hairstyle?" 

• NOT...BORING:
• "Getting my hair cut today...all of them." (That one will never get old.)
•  "I want to go for a more classic hairstyle.  Mohawk, afro, or wig?" 

See what I mean?  It's all about HOW you say it.  Words can create awesome, or they can create annoying.  It's up to you.  ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES!  What?